From the moment i met her, i knew she was different, or made me feel different. I thought i had been in love before, but it was nothing like this. This girl was just always on my mind, its like she was inside me. At this point in my life I had no idea what these emotions were, and it takes a long time to figure what to really do with all these feeligns that you've never felt before, all the insecurities. I am invincible, but somehow when im around her, im afraid, just afraid cause there are so many things that can go wrong, and im such a peice of shit. What have i ever done to deserve her.

A girl can do amazing things to a guy. At the peak of my career in the black market, she made me want to stop it all. I had everything you could superficially want and i wanted to throw it all back for her. I didn't and it was probably the worst mistake of my life, but i wanted to. Even now, as i write this, knowing she is gone forever, lost to the ways of the other assholes that are just "nice guys," I just wonder what it would have been with her. I don't know. Thats just it, i never knew, you never fucking know anything till its too late. I knew that if i stayed in the game long enough, eventually i would get caught, everyone does, but I didnt acually understand what that meant till i was being kept awake in a holding cell by some 300lbs assholes snoring.

Theres two types of knowing, what you are told and what you have experienced, the latter being the one you will usually act on. Curiosity is the downfall of humanity, very few of us are conent with just hearing what is out there. We have to see, go find out for ourselves and come back scarred and useless, but we had to know for sure, and i hate that, because i want to be different, but at the same time, i know im exactly like everyone else. But i cant be like everyone else, because she thinks im different, she acually knows who I really am, and likes it. And thats a wonderfull feeling, especially in the world of image that i was currently caught up with. Most girls i met, i wanted to drag down to the pits of hell with me, cause thats where i was going and i wanted company. But not her, this girl I would take an eternity in the lowest pits, just to make sure she achieved salvation, and that right there, is probably one of the most confusing and fucked up emotions that you can ever feel. And im bombarded with it.