Hopefully, you will never have a moment like this, but its a strange thing to lie awake at night and think, "Is this massive organ failure? or am i just coming down."

Ive been playing this game for a couple years now and still no andswers have come to me, still no pleasures have come to me. I thought, i could just have all the coke i wanted, if i could just have all the women i wanted, if i could just have all the things that i am supposed to desire i could be happy. And here i am, its 4 a.m. and this is another half assed suicide attempt thats doomed to fail, but if it should succeed will luckily be shoved off as an O.D. and not a sucide, making me seem slightly less selfish at my funeral.

I look at the digital clock four times and still the numbers haven't changed and quietly think to myself over the heavy breathing of my brother sleeping peacefully beneath me, i wonder if i have come unstuck in time.

Its funny how when the andswers should be horribly obvious, you never see them. I knew what i should have done, i knew what i had to do, but i liked the power, i loved the lies, i was deeper in love with the drug lifestyle than i was with myself. Sure i could make all the claims that i was just self medicating a slowly building organic mental disorder, and for all i know i was, but that doesnt escape the hardest thing about quitting. That is leaving the lifestyle behind, leaving all the adventure and thrills, the anticipation and fear, all the endorphines, you get addicted. And for many years after i would get off the drug itself, i would still feel the pull of the lifestyle and it would build a great bitterness inside me. I'd look around and think all these people are doing exactly what im doing and yet seem so much more happy and comfortable, dont seem to feel those crashing lows and the teetering highs, just seem to be having so much more fun that im having. And after your mind has deteriorated a signifigant amount, the andswer becomes to just continue, and eventually you will find that level. What i fail to realize, is thats how it all starts, only later do you just become dead, dead inside and out, a zombie moving only for another fix to take him away from the ultimate truth, that you are unhappy, that you are going nowhere, that this is going end, you are going to come down.

For the first time, as i feel a sharp pain in my intestines somewhere, i dont feel invincible, i feel like im going to die, and i pray to whatever god i might believe in, to grant me the strength to make it through the night.